Talking to Myself, Part I

So, what's the deal with you? First you're blogging only about theater, then you're telling everyone to kiss your ***, and then you're complaining about people stealing your stuff. Where's the joy?
I don't know. When I find it, I'll let you know.

It has been a tough year, hasn't it?
Actually, I believe that in the seven year life cycle theory, so I'm nearing the end of this ugly period of time. 2001-2008, give or take a few months. I think it started when I arrived in NYC and has pretty much carried through until today. There's been lots of death within the past year, and that makes me think that this cycle is finally ending.

You call it a life cycle. What does that mean?
To me it means looking at life on a macro level. Certain themes and issues cycle up time and time again, in various forms. Sort of like a symphony. Melodies weave in and out with only slight variation.

When I think of this life cycle, I think of a cracked cement block with a flower growing out of it. Lots of bare bones reality - money problems, picking a city to live in problems, health problems. how to make money at writing... Survival issues. I think 9/11 was the starting pistol for all that.

I feel good about the future. Over the past two months there have been significant changes. That lets me know that things will change.

You sound hopeful.
I feel hopeful. When I think of the previous life cycle, it was difficult but also fun. The last part of the 90s were a creative period of time. I felt free to be who I was and write what I wanted to write. I felt joy, in that my writing was fully realized on the page. I didn't focus on the business side of writing as much.

Describe some of the changes.
I think when I moved back to NYC, I stifled a part of my soul. Which is funny to say because I was teaching meditation a whole lot. Now, I feel like I'm finally getting reconnected. I'm not as alienated from myself. I spend a great deal of time meditating by myself, reflecting on the past seven years. What do I want the rest of my life to be like? What is really important to me? I left NYC because those values weren't mine. I had so-called friends who - when they discovered how much I made in a year - wouldn't talk to me because I wasn't making enough in their eyes. That kind of thing.

You obviously weren't hanging out with other writers.
Well, you could say that but I noticed a tendency for writers to want to impress each other using other methods. Judging each other by their resumes, so to speak. I thought all of these institutions had power, but now I know that institutions only have as much power as people give them.

I think I did some terrific writing over the past seven years, but I wish I had focused less on the business side of it and more on the creative part. I rarely bitched about "the business" in the 90s. I just sat in my room and wrote. Or went to coffee shops. That's what was missing. Waiting for someone to tell me I was a great writer, rather than knowing it and let the rest be damned.

More later...

Comments

[Joshua James]

Sweet jumping Jesuz -

I thought I was the only one who thought in terms of life cycles, I shit you not. I also look at my life in those terms, and find repeating motifs in my life, etc.

Kinda startled me to read that, since I've never spoken to anyone else about the cycles I've observed in my life . . . but it makes me happy that someone else observed the same in theirs.

[Scott Walters]

Laura -- Great post. I'd like to recommend a book I've been reading that has been really empowering. It is called "The Answer to How Is Yes." Spoke to me, at least -- your mileage may differ!